A Realization of Sorts

I think myself very blessed to have had such wonderful teaching on the vast and varied subject of parenting. We’ve had some great role models and also have been introduced to a number of first-class books and series on the subject.

I say that, however, as a preface.

I think probably everyone has a parenting philosophy, whether they can articulate it or not. It might be a broad-strokes, general kind of attitude towards raising kids, or very pointed and specific one. Sometimes there is confusion between principles and methods. (For example, a principle would be that parents are obligated to feed their children. The method is then how they go about providing nourishment.)*

Principles and methods get confused when someone places principle-worthy importance on a mere method; i.e. breastmilk vs. formula, demand or cue feed vs. schedule feed, etc. One ‘side’ is taken to be the right and only way, instead of merely being one of many acceptable ways. (And, obviously, others have explained this much better than I.)

So when I first had Drew, I fit myself nicely into the camps that I thought I agreed with the most. And, to be fair, things went pretty well. He was a laid back baby and still, for the most part, is an easy-going kid.

Then I had Madeline and I was too busy chasing Drew around to obsess over my child-rearing formulas that would yield perfect children in the end. I had to relax on some things or go crazy.

And that was exponentially true when I had Adelaide. She gets her diaper changed probably a lot less than Drew did as a baby. She doesn’t get fed every 180 minutes (well, okay, he didn’t either). Our family and our days just don’t work that way. I’m not a clockwork person; my kids shouldn’t be expected to be, either.

The ‘camp’ analogy also works well with other parenting topics, such as discipline. It’s an issue with a lot of different philosophies (and therefore many different, and often contrasting, methods). I unconsciously must have thought that I had to conform wholly to one camp and wasn’t free to glean pieces out of another and just add them into my own unique mix. (And I’m not talking about being inconsistent. I’m talking about broadening; being flexible and merciful when it’s appropriate. Also, tightening up when it's appropriate.)

I’m writing all this to say – it finally occurred to me that I don’t have to be entirely in one single camp on any given parenting topic. I can pick and choose certain elements that I agree with and that will work well for my family. My personal methods don’t all have to be from the same philosophical camp.

I’m the mother. I know what’s best for my family (well, ultimately God does) and I make the decisions. I don’t have to stick to every single rule out of some book I read once. Additionally, on the flip side, if I’m attracted to a brand new philosophy/method set, I don’t have to swallow the whole pill – I can pull out parts that I like and leave the rest.

In a practical outworking, I can hold or nurse my baby when I want to. But I can also give my baby a bottle or a nap, if I want to. I can discipline for something, but I can also choose to show mercy if I see that my child’s heart is in the right place.

How very freeing it has been for me to realize all of this! Our particular family doesn’t have to be like anyone else’s. We just have to be faithful.

(*not an original idea of mine)

By the way, a wonderfully balanced and beautifully written (related) post here: Salt and Sugar.